The Sweetly Decorated Life: Leaving Depression & Anxiety in the past

I really didn't know what to title this blog. Considering the recent drama surrounding Robin Williams' tragic death, I have to say like everyone else I'm completely speechless. You see I did acting, on stage, on television, in commercials, and hosting lifestyle television shows and theirs something about always being "on" when the camera starts to roll. It felt overwhelming to me at most times.

When do you begin and the other character stops? In 1997 after I graduated college with a business degree is when I began my foray into the entertainment world. I simply wanted to work behind the scenes and paint a couple of sets, maybe do make up for the actors, whatever they needed me to do. It turns out the director of the theatre company outside of Baltimore had other ideas. I was asked to audition for the lead in a very big play showcasing during the holiday season. I said yes and no one else showed up for auditions so naturally I was cast in the role. HUGE shoes to fill I say and the rest was history. I reprised that role four times after.

Opening for Neil Simon's Plaza Suite. (John Nevin, left, me, Debbie Nevin, my sister in law, right)

I was so nervous and it showed when that show premiered. I was a wreck. I was worried about memorizing my lines, would I be good, would I be acting or would it be me. It was such a big deal to me and I think many entertainers grapple with this issue and more: a deep sense of insecurity. But of course it's not just entertainers who struggle their whole lives with being good enough or current in their industry, it's many,many, many Americans and it's very sad.

When I became a mother that also brought many insecurities because I simply did not know what I was doing but it also brought an insurmountable joy that even I can't explain. At 36 I was blessed with my children's birth landing spot on my Dad's 58th birthday. It was a miracle I couldn't deny after most of my life having an estranged relationship with my father.

We shortly thereafter moved to New York and began a distant relationship with our families, only seeing them on special occasions. It was tough but for the last four years we made trips south and they made trips north for visits. I can honestly say most of my life with the exception of my earliest years I've dealt with depression and anxiety, starting around the teen years. I wanted so desperately to please my parents and my father at this point had remarried and had a new family of his own. When I was sixteen and dealing with boys, alcohol and drug temptations, he wasn't there for me and he didn't know how to be.

I did the work over the years, plummeting through therapists like puddles in the rain, going on the right therapies finally in New York and coming out of it, back home in 2014 in Annapolis, Maryland happy. Yes I can honestly say after almost 25 years of insecurity, heartbreak, sadness and anxious hands, I feel complete.

I've done Rebirthing, self-help workshops, how- to- get- the- love- you- want seminars in Florida (yes I dragged my husband to this one!) and all of the above and all of it has helped me figure life out. I'm not saying my struggles are over because I don't think they are. But finally things seem to make sense. I think children have a way of putting all of life's quandaries into perspective.

Dad, Sophie and me

On this day recently, my daughter Sophie looked at my Dad pictured here and said "We have the same birthday!" and he lite up like a firefly and that moment gave me such joy. I can't explain the feelings I have now as a mother, wife, and friend but I know all of the people in my life bring me JOY and make me happy and they'll lessen the load if you let them. I actually like what Cameron Diaz said in the most recent publication of Harpers Bazaar. She said, "I wouldn't go back to 22, I'll take 62 before I ever go back to 22" and you know something that sounds good to me. Moving forward and relishing every moment has been a process for me and I too, wouldn't go back to age 22 because being over 40 has been so good already. I do however grapple with the aging process, wrinkles, my flabby stomach and aches and pains. Meditation and acupuncture seem to help.

One honest decision I decided to make in 2010 was to register as a walker in The American Foundation for Suicide Prevention's annual Out of the Darkness Overnight. It's a walk through NYC I will never forget. I walked it with my Mom and my sister in law Debbie who has also suffered losses due to suicide.

Uplifting and honest

I'm currently not partaking in acting and don't know when and if I'll go back into it. I'm not opposed but my family and my stress free life come first.