The Non-Perfect Family and Holiday Drama

I always thought yes, I'm normal because my parents are divorced.  But no, it's just the opposite.  My husband and his parents, married for over 50 years, the couple across the street, the folks at church sitting in front of you, your neighbors down the street, they have all weathered the test of time.  They run half marathons, create perfect chocolate chip cookies, and pick up everything in one swoop under budget at Target!!  They stay married.  They seem perfect......

This is NOT my LIFE:  I come from a divorced family, not once but twice and I didn't think it hurt me in any seriously damaging way but it did-it really did. (by the way, I fail terribly at baking homemade chocolate chip cookies) Don't get me wrong, there are folks out there who have gotten married, stayed married and continue to live miserable lives.  I understand that.  I'm not talking about them or their amazing retirement accounts......I'm talking about the non perfect family-the one that hasn't found it's place yet in the big wide world of relationships.  You get by, you function but just barely.  You find yourself out of debt only to find yourself right back there, struggling to buy Christmas gifts, or the procrastinator family, the one that says sure I'll put up the Christmas lights one month early because I don't want to put it off, only to find yourself miserable in the process. The couple down the street wonders why did the McCoy family hang lights on Thanksgiving?!?

I come from a family of doers.  If we weren't out running a task or errand or wiping up from a meal, we were playing a game or heading outside for exercise-we rarely sat still.  It's always been very hard for me to sit still and just be.  My mind races about what I'm not doing but then I remember I was shifted from one parents house to the next on the weekends.  There was not a lot of time to just do nothing.  The holidays were super busy............visiting all the extended relatives, step-relative mr. or mrs. and anyone else in between that seemed to care!  Whew-my brother and I needed a vacation from the holidays when it was over.

Now in Annapolis life, my good friend Lindsey keeps me centered when my mind starts to race-her parents are divorced too (I hope she doesn't mind me sharing that).  Her daughter and my twin girls play like peas and carrots and I haven't seen her for close to two weeks and my smile just isn't as bright when she's not around.  I am attracted to happy and healthy people; they give me a boost so if it's a poopey day, I could go drift in and out of procrastination and that's where my non perfect family comes in.  My life feels chaotic and unruly, so Lord let it not be the holiday time of year.  It's okay, I'll manage I say, on with the blog.........

I come from divorce and I remarried someone with kids.  It's complicated and the holidays become even more so.  Can I procrastinate or ride away with my girls to find the closest shopping establishment?  As much as I love excitement and adventure, now that I have kids, I just want to stay home and enjoy them, play outside with them, watch a movie, color, explore their world but there is just so much more to talk about, lots more to work out.  I can't leave I say, there are issues to work out-other people's needs to address.

If we deny what's really going on in our households, how do we ever truly heal??  Are we being honest with ourselves and our families?

I was chatting with my mother and husband about a dramatic incident my 14 year old stepson just had with his mother and that's when I began to cry a little.  My stepchildren are living through what I went through thirty years ago.  I'm reliving it all over again and maybe I never healed.  I don't think any child wants to be from a divorced family-they have to accept that it's their fate.  My daughters have their mother and father together and they love it.  They love the idea of us. They are all about it.  They draw pictures about us, not anyone else.  We are their world.  I guess when my parents decided to end their 13 year marriage, a big part of my heart died with it.  We became the blemished family, the drama didn't stop there either.  My Dad and my stepmother (whom I grew close to) divorced after 20 years of marriage, severing any sort of relationship; a relationship where my stepmother actually mentally abused me, teased me, bullied me with no I'm sorry's at the end. I was never far from her daggers. It was her own drama.  I'm okay now-really.

Taking steps to heal in your life is what I'm doing.  I'm constantly reading, going to therapy workshops when I can and trying to accept the imperfect part of my "Country Living" magazine dream life.  The holidays often drum up old feelings of hurt, resentment, and family drama. Do they do that for you?  Share with me please.

I hope your holidays bring to you much meaning, hugs of warm love and a devotion to your family that you'll stay right where you are: committed, loyal and honest in your pursuit of happiness.  Everyone deserves that.

I want to put out there, my Holidays are too magical, sweet and special but it goes without saying, I share my pain with trusted adults, friends I can trust and with my husband who understands and empathizes with me. This makes the time that I hurt when I was younger much easier to bear.  My family or yours may never be perfect but we are in the pursuit of trying and what's so wrong with that?

The non-perfect photo