You and Your Teen Stepdaughter-Friends or Foe? My Story.

Emily and I in St. Michael's-2007

When I came to know my stepdaughter, I was only 32 and she was eight.  We made things fun.  We colored together, made cookies together, watched Garfield together and had a camp out in the back yard. Life was good.  I never knew she would grow up to be a wise, beautiful almost lady-woman.  She is now 17, just nine months shy of 18.  Her and I have had our share of problems let me tell you.  My twin daughters with my husband are now five and active little girls. One day they too will be turning 18 and I myself will miss the innocent days of old, playing with them in their playroom, coloring with markers, bedtime stories and ballet recitals.

Just now I am in my sweats as I write this, hoping to squeeze in a workout in my home gym located just off my husband's home office in the basement.  I've fed my kids breakfast, okay that's not true, my husband did that, made their lunch, and got them ready for dance class, gave them a snack and packed them in our life size mini van to shuffle them to dance and then to preschool (ate lunch in the car).  I'm exhausted-when I first met Emily and Jacob, they were eight and five, fun ages for me to explore with them.  I wasn't exhausted.  I didn't do any of the work-I often thought, I don't see what all the fuss is about-parenting is easy-just make them laugh and pack a lunch or two and your doing good............little did I know that my 13 year old stepdaughter would be moving in with us just a few years later...........and that's just the beginning of our journey together.

That move changed everything for me.  Everything.

The question I would ask yourself before your stepdaughter moves in with you or visits you regularly or just simply is in your life is this: Do you like and respect yourself?

1. If the answer is YES, then proceed to light reading material below-you'll find my story enlightening.  If the answer is NO, you need to read this.  If I only knew...............

Before my stepdaughter moved in with my husband and two year old twin daughters, I was a novice at parenting.  I was going through the motions-preparing wholesome baby food in the food processor, doing clean up and taking young tots to infant to toddler play time, library time.  We lived 6 hours away from our home in waterfront USA Annapolis, Maryland.  Life was about to become complicated.  Our rental home while my husband worked in Queens, NY was two hours away, across a couple of bridges, and off 1-84 in Pawling, NY.  We lived on 5 acres with the mountain lions and other beasts of the world.

Did I mention I had (2) two year old's at the time?  Let me tell you-the day my stepdaughter moved in with us at this juncture in my life absolutely placed me in a severe state of PANIC.  Have you felt panic before? I've felt it.  I know the sensation.  Not fun.  Heart pounding.  Rapid heart beat. Before an audition for example.  Dread.  This was much worse-think PANIC times a MILLION.

Back to the MOVE-in.  There was a spaghetti dinner.  My in laws brought her from Maryland to New York.  When she arrived, I exploded.  I'm sorry. There were tears and I brought the whole house down-I didn't mean to.  I was faced with the insurmountable pressure of raising a young girl who had left her mother and brother to come live with me.  I say me because my husband would be working in the city and I would be doing the raising.  This young woman would come with needs, not instructions per se but a need for love, emotional connectivity, and a sense of structure to her new-found life in New York.  She would be making friends at her new school, possibly bringing them back to our home (what would I do with all those teenagers!) and most of all this young woman would be going through her pubescence while I'm raising active twin toddlers!  I kept saying to myself, there is no way this is happening to me.  I think I said that for four straight years, possibly multiple times a month................believe me we all felt it.

I want to skip to NOW.  I'll get back to the middle and almost everything we went through later.  In church this past Sunday, while in service my 17 year old stepdaughter wrapped her arms around me and asked me "how did you like being a greeter?"  I was touched beyond words that this happened and my heart warmed without consent.  It was a moment of purity and self-revelation:  Emily actually does love me.

Was that what I really wanted all along?  Her love, her respect, her admiration.  I don't think it was.  But it did confirm for me that for the last four years, my step-parenting was working, even if it was part time.

Part time Parenting wasn't what I wanted-I didn't want full time either with her.  When she came to live with me in 2011, I simply felt that my plate was full.  I knew it was full to the brim. Overflowing if you will. If your wondering if I ever consented to her living with us, the answer is simply I felt I had no choice.  I played victim. Would I change anything?  I don't know. Probably not.

Being honest with yourself is life changing in every facet of life. If more of us had the courage and the stamina to take on more than we think our plate can handle, how much better would the world be, how much better would we become because of it.............by the way I'm still learning to like myself.  It's a process.

Emily and I in New York, 2012