The Sweetly Decorated Life: The thought of having another baby again....at 41

The Sweetly Decorated Life: The thought of having another baby again....at 41: Pregnant at 36 was fine but 41?  I don't know. I've dabbled with the thought over and over again.  My twin daughters are turnin...

The thought of having another baby again....at 41

Pregnant at 36 was fine but 41?  I don't know.

I've dabbled with the thought over and over again.  My twin daughters are turning five in two months and my husband is 43.  We are no Gwen Stefani and Gavin Rossdale.  We are normal people with no nannies, no help and two older stepchildren.  It makes one think:

Would a baby bring the family closer OR would a new baby bring more stress and isolate us from each other?

Those questions and more haunt me.  I can only divulge them to my husband so many times before he actually closes the case and says it's too late.  I definitely don't want another one.  ugh.  How would that make me feel and what would I do then?

I discuss this with my close friend Scarlett who hails from Brooklyn.  She's awesome.  She told her husband whom she met late in life, "Look I know you feel like you'd get lost in the whole second baby thing but I want you to know, if I don't do this, I'll always wonder what if.  I'm not asking for a third and I promise I won't let you down.  Our time together will be there, but my baby carrying abilities will not."

She wowed me with her strength of character.  She knew what she wanted, she put it out there for her husband.  He bought it and they delivered a son nine months later.  He's a beautiful sweet boy and his name is Tristan.  They now together have one of each, a girl name Brisa and a boy named Tristan.  They together make a sweet family.  I've never met a more sincere and caring person than Scarlett.  She is earth incarnate. Did I forget to mention she was 42 when she had him?  She's the Gwen Stefani of Conway, South Carolina!!!

But one thing that Scarlett didn't have to do is go through fertility.  Lucky for me I have one embryo frozen and that means I don't have to go through trying to fake my body into being pregnant, or be there for my hubby's out-patient extraction of sperm, and putting the egg and sperm together to make an embryo. Whew! No not all of that again. That's a whole long process of creation and taking my blood through a tiny vein in my hand (I have tiny veins so getting my blood is vicious!) we'll can anyone say ?!/?*%!^#

According to BabyCenter.com there are several pros and cons to having a baby in your 40's so it's going to be all about my attitude in the game:

Baby Center said, "All these downsides can be disheartening — but don't forget that some women do get pregnant well into their 40s, and many of them have complication-free pregnancies and healthy babies. And while older mothers may be at higher risk for negative pregnancy results, the overall number of such incidents is low."

Another quote to take note of: "Miscarriage rates begin to skyrocket in your 40s as well. From age 40 to 44, the rate is 35 percent, and it rises to more than 50 percent for women 45 and older (compared to 10 percent at age 20 and 12 percent at age 30). After age 40, the risk of pregnancy complications, such as high blood pressure and diabetes is twice as high as it is for a woman in her 20s."

We'll you know what I didn't want a baby in my 20's......and my 30's we'll that idea progressed slowly until I met the right person. I'll be 42 in July of 2015 and I'm hoping to be at least pregnant by then!!

The help part of the equation is to be debated.  I'm hoping to have a mothers' helper in all of this, not b/c I can't manage all of the kids, the schedules, the laundry, being there for my husband or the taxi driver but because I can admit I CAN'T DO IT ALL.

I rest on this debate about having another child.  I want one.  I want another girl, another boy, whatever.  Healthy please!!!

Are you thinking about all the sleepless nights I'm going to have?  I've done that already.  It's worth every sleepy day lying next to my baby in my dream house.  Yep, I dream.  It's okay for you to do it too.

Now back to my being something to everyone.  My 14 year old stepson is coming over for an extended weekend visit.  Oh, the energy that kid has................... I hope I have enough chips in the house.

Pregnant at 36 with twins.  My hubby and stepson.

Having Faith in the Most Tumultuous Times....

Do you BELIEVE?  My friend Anastasia and how she saved me

I don't practice my religion often, although I should.  I'm an ordinary Christian, registered, a believer.  When I'm in church I'm my best ME.  I wish I went more often.  I try.  I watch Joel Osteen when I'm home; to catch up on rest, relaxation, and not be stressed by any hectic schedule with four kids-I love Joel's message. As many people might say, Sunday is my only day off-to sleep in, to do absolutely nothing.  My faith in tact.

After 9/11 I strengthened my faith.  I went to church every Sunday, joined spiritual groups, and grew as a Christian.  Then I went back to a place where I wasn't in church almost close to not-at-all.  This wasn't good.  It's almost as if I just can't stay consistent in my church attendance.  I loose interest, I get bored, my mind wanders and I find I need a break, although I can attest to this one true fact-I BELIEVE.  I carry an unending faith in my Father and the miracles within.  I believe in the ever present concepts of good and evil and I believe in the power and simplicity of PRAYER.  It works.

Both my husband and I have experienced miracles in our lives and it forever changed the course of our belief systems.  I think it gave us the belief that going forward you will never doubt ME again.

Recently my husband has been threatened by an employee who was let go from his organization.  I cannot tell you when I heard that how that made me feel.  My husband is my world and I his.  For someone to even speak of him in any way other than amazing is like sacrilegious.  He is there to help people in his organization, not hurt them.  I say to myself, I have faith.  Keep your faith Stephanie.

It angered me when I heard this news.  He left this morning for a charity softball tournament and I held him close before he left for Philadelphia.  My daughters and husband are my main reasons for happiness.  They give me JOY, they bring me laughter, they brought back the faith in ME but before they arrived I prayed and prayed.

It doesn't matter what I read in the press, or watch on CNN or FOX News, I still believe one UNIVERSAL TRUTH-

Believing that there is a GOD and his son JESUS died on the cross for you to give us LIFE and that it be abundant and good, not the other way around.  You see it's also in our POSITIVE THINKING that a faith arrives and stays put.  When I'm negative and my thinking is poor, I'm not with HIM.

Are we thinking in the positive, with love, and in GOD's name?  Or are we thinking doom, gloom, and negativity?

I don't have all the answers about religion but I know the choice that feels good and right and healthy and I've seen first hand the consequences of such thinking but it started with a SEED and that was my belief in HIM.  I read the good book, concentrated on its principles, and let it be what it would be.  I know it sounds simple but it evolved over time..........

THE MIRACLE: When I experienced a miracle through the other side, I knew it was not through Buddha, karma, or through playing the Lottery, or through atoms exploding in outer space!  It was through my heart felt prayers, through helping my friend who was dying of cancer and praying over her to heal and her eventual passing that she would heal me. When she came to me in the after life, I was able to see the light and I knew in that moment, in my body, my mind, my spiritual gut, it was GOD.

It's hard to explain it to people who've never experienced this lightness but it does exist and it changed me for good.  It doesn't mean I don't have hard days or challenges ahead, but it gave me something on that day in April 2010 I didn't have before: An UNRELENTING FAITH.

There will always be one thing or another that will get your attention and call you to test your thinking and very possibly your beliefs, but where will you stand on the last day, the day you are called to answer, what do you believe?  I know what my answer will be.....................I'm praying for you.

.

Staying Conscious in your Marriage-The First Part

A tiny dance floor.....

This is my second time around in married life so being "present" was very important to me.  I had an acupuncturist friend who once told me that being conscious in your marriage was more important than any other factor, more important than romance, more important than your kids, everything. Fran knew what she was talking about.  I just didn't get what she was saying so she put me in touch with a number of books on the subject and then once my appointment was over, I jumped right into the "conscious seeking" world.

To be honest it overwhelmed me but why I started this blog is to point out that life can be sweet, that it is sweet, but the road for me to get to this "sweetly decorated life" was going to take some work and it did. I'm 41 and I did the work-I sought the self help books, saw the therapists, participated in Re-birthing, took love and marriage seminars in Orlando (yes Orlando!) and managed to at this point come out "sweetly happy".
A Sweetly Decorated Life is more than my love of decorating, ornamental stuff or things I love, it's the life we can all love.  (I want to point out that I do have Christian faith).  :)

I'm here to talk about things that we can discuss and dream about.  It's also about our relationships and sharing.  I'll always revisit the aim of my blog and my goal is for you to walk away inspired.........

When I got married in 2012 it was impromptu, without a lot of planning, and in the backyard of the home we were renting in Pawling, New York.  There was a massive thunderstorm waiting in the wings that hot August evening and it released it's force after we were married.  After I gave my new husband grief that our wedding was ruined by the wine spilled on my dress, the drunk people who arrived late and the wet, wet rain that spoiled the music player and any chance of us dancing on that expensive dance floor we rented, I still didn't feel better!  I now laugh at what happened as it reminds me that life and marriage ARE NOT PERFECT in any way; life is sweetened by the people in it.  There were plenty of good things that happened before and after my wedding that I now choose my brain to focus on:  Aunt Janet and I hunting for flowers in the brush to use in my bouquet, the doves that showed up while Patrick and I were having coffee the day before our wedding, the friends who drove from North Carolina to come to my wedding, my 3 year old daughter during our vows who exclaimed, "Mommy I love you!" and the family and friends falling to mush.

Now it's time to be conscious in your marriage.  Gone are the days where couples sit idly by and watch the world pass right by them.  Gone are the days where the only spouse in the house who worked was the husband and the wife stayed home and raised all six kids (this was my Grandparents!).  Now we have so much going on, very busy schedules to maintain and let us not forget, our Facebook accounts (I digress).   There is much more to maintain but we MUST and should look at our love partners and be kind.

What do I mean by that?  It's fully loaded.  Being aware and being present of your partners' needs, wants and desires in life and most importantly being present in your life.  We sometimes get so caught up in work, life, hobbies, and stress that we loose ourselves, what we want and who we are.  We often loose ourselves in our partners needs, loosing that fine balance that conscious loving requires and that's the neat thing about this equation: being conscious in your marriage means YOU DON'T NEGLECT YOU.  Your present and also aware of your needs, your wants and your desires and somehow both of you need to meet in the middle. My current acupuncturist is quite versed on these concepts and practices as she's on her second marriage, she's happy and she brought three girls into the union.

My reading recommendations on this subject were and are by ironically similar last names:

By Gay Hendricks, a gem of a book

By Harville Hendrix, you'll have homework here but it's worth it!

We are all trying in marriage but when there is love there and you honor your spouse, you get a little something back too and ain't that sweet?

The Sweetly Decorated Life: Heading to the Consignment Store for Back to Schoo...

The Sweetly Decorated Life: Heading to the Consignment Store for Back to Schoo...: Grateful for this Shop I have found love at this shop in my hometown.  Annapolis, Maryland has always been a place where you could shop...

Heading to the Consignment Store for Back to School-why pay more somewhere else?

Grateful for this Shop

I have found love at this shop in my hometown.  Annapolis, Maryland has always been a place where you could shop and find a bargain but never designer duds on a budget: enter Return to Oz Consignments.  The ladies who own this little palace pack quite a punch-they know what they're doing and they get it done. They get your goods entered into their system after you drop them off and they ascertain how much they're worth. Bye Bye bags.....I'll wait. I'm sure it's good news.

I say why not?  I don't mind earning something for the clothes, shoes, and household items that I don't want to turn over to The Goodwill.  I like the idea that whatever they don't take into their store in inventory they donate to charity (a local church mission).  That's good news.

My girls love going to Return to Oz.  They know there is stuff to play with and dress up costumes, books, and a kids' table for coloring.  The employees there all are familiar faces and that makes me feel good because I know when I head up to find out if I've made money, I find a familiar face, ahhh.  They know what they're doing, how the operation works and what if any is the balance due, "Mrs. McCoy, you made $25"!  I love it.  Today I went in for a bathing suit for our trip to Disney World in October-I wasn't looking for back to school clothes in particular or shoes but there were plenty of choices. That's what I love about bargain hunting in thrift and/or consignment stores: you never know what your going to find.  I guess that's why they call it "the thrill of the hunt."

There are lessons in the thrill of the hunt for your children too:  never pay full price for an item you need or love or have to have.  I travel to flea markets, yard sales sometimes, but mostly to consignment shops and this one is right in the center of all things: West Street in Annapolis; it's hard not to stop by.  The clothes and some toys on the front steps of this old house are enchanting; the racks beckoning me in.  For just a little, you can come away with a lot and still have money left over to take to Disney World!  I like that idea.

I got my swimsuit-a mom suit now; it's conservative, it moves and compliments my body shape.  It's not beautiful but it's well made and it'll do.  It's about my kids now, sometimes me, more times them.  I love it and I wouldn't have it any other way.  Smile now, shopping done.  Kids go to pre-k in two days.

clothes galore!

Return to Oz Consignments
2011 West St, Annapolis, MD 21401(410) 266-9390

Are you a Daddy's Girl? I wasn't, find out how a miracle changed my Dad and I forever

My Dad is a trucker kind of guy.  You know the one I'm talking about-the kind of guy who eats meat and potatoes, gets up for work the same time every day and is never late.  Oh my father could never be late for work-that's a carnal sin in his book.  My father and I grew up isolated from one another for most of my life or so I thought.

1973 would you look at that hair?

I don't guess this picture tells it all but it could.  My father was just 21 when I arrived on the scene, a far cry from children being born to men in their late 40's today.  Dad had a fast car and a fast life according to my Mom and she wanted to slow him down by having a family, a cool apartment, and a new blender to make baby food.  He wasn't having any of it.  He left the apartment this photo was taken in so he could take a shower at my Grandmothers where she conveniently packed his lunch for work the next day.  This really bothered my mother and why not it's insanity!  My Grandparents were lovingly married for close to 60 years. My Father the middle child between my Aunt Debbie and Uncle Keith, my Grandmother's mid life baby (he still lives with her).  I don't think my Dad could do any wrong.  He played with matches, never smoked and cruised chicks.  He had a hot rod car, a Buick, a fast car and all the ladies loved his long hair and budding mustache, including my Mom.

At various points in my life I wished my Mom would tell me they were madly in love but too young when they married in March of 1971 but that's not the story she told me. She told me she wooed him into marrying her and that would be my way with men too, for a while anyway.  I don't remember much of my childhood except that my parents separated and divorced when my little brother Jay and I were young: 10 and 8 respectively and I think that deserves a bronze medal in my book of marriage!  They lasted that long-geeez, I can't imagine it lasted that long with his comings and goings and interest in softball-he was never home and that's because the home environment was too slow and there were needy kids there and that took some serious doing.  During this time he met my stepmother, she played softball too and she liked my Dad's looks and mystique.  I would like her at first and then come to find out who this woman really was: deception.

The teen years and my Dad, remarried and seemingly happy

In this photo I'm wearing my mother's work dress. I call it that because she worked full time plus another job at a deli just to make ends meet for Jay and I.  I loved my mother-her style, her long flowing curly blonde hair and her work ethic.  She was a hard worker and she never complained about anything. She let me go in her wardrobe whenever I liked to wear her pretty clothes.  I always wanted to look pretty for my Dad because I desperately wanted his attention because his attention went elsewhere; to his wife and two new children: boys.  Oh yuck, boys.  I wanted sisters.  One time I told my stepmother when she was pregnant that I wanted her to have a girl and she told me, "I ain't gonna have no girl-ever."  That's how that woman worked.  The way she treated me was pretty horrible but I took it up with her after I had my own girls and not surprisingly she defended herself to the deathstar.

Growing up through the teen years was bittersweet.  I struggled through high school, having boyfriends that were reckless, into drugs, and who verbally and physically abused me.  It was a hard journey to get to now but I came out happy, happy, happy and full of spirit but my Dad was never available to me.  It's sad really because men don't really know how to be emotionally there for anyone.  This is my truth.  I don't expect anyone to agree with me.  This is just my experiences, my story and the legacy I leave for the girls will be, your Grandfather and I received a miracle.

I believe now my father has changed, albeit a little but he has changed for the better.  In May of 2009 I found out I was pregnant with twins.  Can anyone say elated?!  I remember when I found out I was having two girls (which is what I wanted right!), I immediately phoned up my Dad in the car after the sonogram and blurted it "It's two girls Dad!"  He was the first to know.  That's what I'm talking about.  We don't ever stop loving or letting go of our fathers.  My pregnancy progressed along nicely for a high risk pregnancy.  Many sonograms and putting the feet up and enjoying the nesting process.  I'm a fast paced girl so slowing down has never been easy for me-this pregnancy was critical and I wanted children so badly.  I was 36 and I did feel like after two losses, it was risky at my age.  I also have a blood clotting disorder so my pregnancy was touch and go and shots daily in my tummy.  I cringed every time that needle went in.

Happy and pregnant beside my favorite gal: Mom

Then Friday the 13th 2009 arrived.  I was scheduled to receive a call from my recruiter telling me I was getting let go as a contractor at Verizon.  I was okay with it because I knew I had to get to motherhood soon.  I was due December 15th right before Christmas and I couldn't be happier.  Shortly before the call I had plans to shower and get down to my friends in the kitchen, preparing and freezing meals for when the babies come but the universe had other plans: my right leg had swollen dramatically and that's when I paged my OB.  She called back and told me to report ASAP to Labor and Delivery.  What?  Now?  Really?  As folks were pouring in the driveway Friday evening at rush hour, we were rushing out the door to become parents!  Yikes!

My then boyfriend at the time phoning people frantically telling them the babies were coming, I was doing fine and they were prepping me for a C-section and to get to the hospital as soon as possible.  I was shaking uncontrollably from all of the adrenaline.  When my husband called my father he was celebrating his birthday by having beers in his garage apartment alone.  My Grandmother drove him to the hospital and just before midnight on my fathers 58th birthday, my daughters were born.  My mother jumping on top of my husband, it was elation, relief and absolute joy for the whole family.  Two thumbs up.

GOD did just what I needed him to do.  Not only did he bless me with two healthy baby girls but he gave my father the belief that he could start over again with these girls-his granddaughters.  My Dad will probably never offer up an apology for the terrible things that happened to me as a young woman and he doesn't have to but he does give my daughters reassurance that their loved by him; they know it and love "Pop Nevin".

It gives me great pleasure watching my Dad interact with his granddaughters.  They do have a bond.  It's interesting to watch too; uncanny at times.  Sometimes I wonder did I have that with him and then I remember he was too young having me and as life unfolded as it quickly does, your already onto your path, driven, unable to change, and forced to accept what you cannot change.  He's divorced now from the stepmother, they were 20 years in when they divorced a few years back.  Sad really after all that work they put in, even if they still only live 5 minutes from each other and are "available" to one another when the times present themselves.  I don't speak of her to my Dad when he comes for visits which are pretty frequent. Weekly visits on the weekends provide my daughters with the love and sense of family that I always hoped they'd have.  My mother, GiGi is their standby Mommy and her and her husband GiBob-the incessant clown are the quote on quote grandparents. What they bring to the table is invaluable.  It's pure family.

My girls now have a family they can rely on and can be proud of.  I'm sooooo happy for them and me.

Finding peace with Dad and I

GiGi and GiBob the center of our family

If you struggle with the relationship you have with your own father, I encourage you to speak the truth to him, through letters, emails, or the hardest part, through the phone.  Their is HOPE.  I was forunate to receive responses to my correspondences with my father but it was due much to my probing.

I asked my Dad one time ten years ago was he excited when I was being born and he told me he was and he told me his side of the story.  That's the neat thing: there is always two sides to a very complex relationship.